My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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