I can tuck mytits in my pants
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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