Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
