I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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