you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
