my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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