when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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