Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
