my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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