are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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