I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
