a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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