it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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