Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I am spending my child support on dildos
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
