Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize