i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
