Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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