hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
