kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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