Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
