Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
