if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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