Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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