we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
