can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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