Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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