This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
