if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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