I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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