Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
