I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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