I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
