he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
