having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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