No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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