My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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