PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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