College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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