he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize