1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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