I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
