Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize