update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
