he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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