i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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