Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
