so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
