So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
