"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
