I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
