Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
