We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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