the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
