During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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